Ephesians 6:4 sits inside a set of instructions for Christian households that begins a few verses earlier with the call to be filled with the Spirit and to submit to one another. Paul turns to fathers because, in that world, a father held enormous power over a child's life. He could shape a child's future or crush a child's spirit almost at will. So the command is pointed: do not exasperate your children. The word carries the sense of wearing a child down, provoking them to anger or embittering them until they either fight back or give up.
Then comes the positive side. Bring them up, Paul says, in the training and instruction of the Lord. That first phrase is nourishing language, the kind of word you would use for feeding and tending something that is growing. The second pair of words covers both discipline and counsel, the forming of a whole person. Notice what the verse is and is not. It describes the kind of parent to be, not a technique that guarantees a particular child. It never promises that a faithful parent gets a faithful son or daughter. That is not because the promise is unreliable, but because a child is a person before God, not a project to be completed.
This is where Wenshan and Zhehao's household is quietly instructive, and only as an illustration. When their son said he felt unloved, they did not shut him down or shame him for the feeling. They let him speak and pointed him back to what the family believed God had asked of them. That is the opposite of exasperating a child. It is the ordinary, unglamorous work of formation. It is also what you owe your own children on the days you get it wrong: the apology after you lose your temper, the honest answer instead of the impatient one, the bedtime you stay for even when you are finished.
You cannot control how your children turn out. You can be present, tell the truth about God, and entrust them to the One who loves them more than you do.
👨👦Parenting
You Cannot Control How They Turn Out
Ephesians 6:4 and the slow, daily work of faithful presence
October 10, 20265 min readNIV
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
— Ephesians 6:4 (NIV)
Instructions for Christian households
Today's Story
📖True Story
Cheng Wenshan and her husband Zhehao did not become a foster family by accident. In Singapore, they prepared their own children for what fostering would mean, talking through difficult situations together and praying as a family before anyone came through their door. Their first placement was respite care: a three-year-old boy who stayed for one week.
The adjustment was harder than they expected, and it fell hardest on their son. He had to share his toys, and beyond that, he began to feel that his parents no longer loved him. Wenshan and Zhehao did not brush the feeling aside or scold him for saying it. They made room for him to speak those words out loud, and they reminded him that the foster child's arrival was part of what they believed God wanted them to do.
Later, a five-year-old boy joined them as a longer-term foster child. Over time, Wenshan and Zhehao learned to respond patiently to misunderstandings, considering what a child's different experiences might mean rather than assuming defiance. Their children came to embrace fostering as a family effort, something the whole household was doing together rather than something being done to them.
It began with a plain desire, one they named in the very title of their story: "We wanted to be near those who are broken."
SOURCE: “We wanted to be near those who are broken”: How one couple with kids became a foster family (Christine Leow, Salt&Light, 2021) / https://saltandlight.sg/family/we-wanted-to-be-near-those-who-are-broken-how-one-couple-with-kids-became-a-foster-family/
Source citation: “We wanted to be near those who are broken”: How one couple with kids became a foster family (Christine Leow, Salt&Light, 2021) / https://saltandlight.sg/family/we-wanted-to-be-near-those-who-are-broken-how-one-couple-with-kids-became-a-foster-family/
Reflection
Think About It
• Where in your parenting have you been trying to control an outcome that was never yours to control? • When did you last let a child say something hard without correcting or defending yourself? • What would it look like for you to entrust your child to God today, by name?
Prayer
Father, I am tired, and I am not always the parent I meant to be. I have snapped when I should have listened. I have tried to manage my children's hearts instead of simply being present with them. Some days I look at the road ahead and I do not know if any of it is landing. Yet I will trust You. You are the One who formed them and who loves them better than I ever could. Teach me to speak gently, to correct without crushing, to apologize without excuse, and to raise these children in Your training and instruction rather than in my own fear. I release them into Your hands, and I choose to believe You are at work in them, and in me. Amen.
Live It Out
Spend ten undistracted minutes with one child today, and pray for them by name.